Walmartin’ in the USA, Part I

Posted: February 1, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have felt incomplete the last couple of days because I have been without my trusty laptop, and therefore, have been unable to keep you, my Reader, up to speed on whatsahappenin’ in my twisted little world. But, as it happens, I am back home, back in front of my computer, and ready to grab your arm and give you a little Indian burn.

With Deliverencesque banjos playing between my ears, I made a trip to Arkansas this week. Oh those crazy hicks. You could almost smell the inbreeding going on, and let me tell you, it is not a pleasant smell. I would equate it to a cross between burning chicken skin and the smell of one’s breath after a heavy night of drinking. The drive was an entertaining one, but I could not help but think about the good ol’ days. You know, the days where you could give someone a well deserved one-fingered salute, he (or she) would salute back, and everyone would be on their merry way. I find it unfortunate that one’s travel companions (yours truly’s) feel it to be objectionable, and in fact dangerous, for me to release a little agression and give a fellow moron a good fingerin’. I got to thinking about said objection, and I could not tell you that I disagree with it. Everyone has a gun these days, and I would surmise that the number of easily offended drivers carrying guns in Arkansas is probably well above the national average. I mean, after all, you have to be able to shoot a possum when you see one.

I must tell you, that I do believe I have stumbled across the cultural Mecca of the Universe. We all know how absofuckingfabulous Wal-Mart is, and nothing says classy like a set a duds from this fashionable retailer. But if you think the store is fabulous, I suggest you make a jaunt to where it all began: Bentonville, AR. Those crazy boys from SP have spoofed this gem of a town, and I was pleasantly surprised to find the spoof was (or is) not far from the truth.

As I spent my day in B-ville, it began to snow. I have previously professed my love of snow, as well as the beauty and beast that it brings. Whilst the snow was falling in B-ville, it kind of stuck to things, kind of didn’t, and turned into immediate mush on the road. It looked like snow, but it didn’t really have that snow feeling. It didn’t evoke the same feelings that “real” snow can bring. Seeing (and feeling) this occur, I couldn’t help but think…even the snow in Bentonville is discount snow. Sort of fitting for a discount town, home of the world’s largest discount retailer, don’t you think?

Spent the last year, Rocky Mountain way. I couldn’t get much higher.
–Joe Walsh

LongStar

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