Archive for January, 2008

Ode to Foreskin

Posted: January 29, 2008 in Uncategorized

O’ where o’ where could my foreskin be
The doc came and took it away from me
It was there yesterday when I went to bed
Now there is no foreskin covering my head

O’ please o’please return my foreskin to me
I’m getting chilly on this winter’s eve
I promise to keep it safe and warm and dry
O’ foreskin my friend you will never leave my eye

Flash Gordon: quarterback, New York Jets
–Sam J. Jones



Hey Hey We’re the Monkeys

Posted: January 27, 2008 in Uncategorized

…first let me say that I understand I did not spell Monkeys like Monkees. I just thought it sounded like a catchy title for this post. Moreover, this post has nothing to do with THE Monkees, so let’s just get that out of the way right now.

A lot of times, people ask you, “If you could be any animal, what kind of animal would you be?” It seems to be a fair enough question, and it is a question that has no right or wrong answer. I pose this question to myself quite often, depending on my mood.

This morning I decided to climb a tree. I woke up and thought that it might be a good day to break a bone, and what better way to make that happen than to climb a tree. I was never much of a climber as a child, and as you can imagine, my experience with such things is pretty limited. Also considering that I am quite removed from my childhood, it seems as though it could be a recipe for disaster (I really just want a cast so people can sign it and write crude remarks). I am happy to say (or disappointed?) that I came out of this adventure relatively unscathed, with the exception of this stream of thought.

I posed the aforementioned question to myself and I initially decided I would like to be a monkey, if I were given the opportunity to be another animal. It sounded good on paper, and since I was climbing the tree, it only seemed appropriate. As I got to the branch closest to the power lines (more temptation of fate), it dawned on me that being a monkey may not be all it is cracked up to be, and here is why:

Now, I like poop as much as the next guy. It’s a funny subject for me, and goodness knows how it ruins a person if you get stopped up like a 30 year old bottle of Cabernet. My fondness for the subject aside, I do not think I would be down with the whole poop-flinging activities that monkeys tend to engage in. It sounds fun sure, but really, what would your family think? And I would hypothesize that if you started flinging poop around, you might suffer some consequences…such as being thrown out of a movie theater, or even having poop flung back at you. Doesn’t seem so swell when you break it down like that.

After I rose above the sadness that engulfed me upon this revelation, I came to the conclusion that I will no longer answer that question when asked, simply because it would cause me pain to think I could never truly live the monkey lifestyle.

Excuse me while I whip this out
Cleavon Little


Taken for Granted

Posted: January 26, 2008 in Uncategorized

I have struggled this morning, and into the early afternoon, to find a meaningful topic to discuss, but alas, nothing has come to me. It seems that the Voices have been quelled to some extent. I cannot decide if I am grateful for this, or if I truly miss the friends buried deep within my psyche. No matter…they will return with something outrageous I am sure, and when they do, you will be the first to hear of it.

That aside, I must say that we often take the sunshine for granted. As many of us in this country are deep in the grips of Mother Winter, a little bit of sunshine goes a long way. For those of us that are subjected to the perils (and beauty) of snow, a splash of thaw mixed with your sunshine is indeed a delicious cocktail. Except for (there’s always a catch, huh?)…the mud. Oh dear Lord the mud. We tend to forget that, beneath the breathtaking layer of white precipitation, there is ground. In my world, this ground is wet dirt, better known as mud. Couple this messy concoction with our furry, four-legged friends, and you have a terrific hangover to follow that delicious cocktail. I have found that it is not the snow and cold that makes me wish for Spring, but rather the lack of appreciable grass and over abundance of muddy goodness that my dogs (like all dogs) take great joy in frolicking in. Man’s best friend my ass.

Such is life….always a journey, even if caked in mud.

A lie is always a truth unless you get caught.


Inaugaral Recognition

Posted: January 25, 2008 in Uncategorized

So here we go.

I have caved to the pressure. What pressure might you ask? The pressure of those pesky voices in my head. The inevitable recognition of those chatterboxes that keep many of us awake at night. Rather than let them sit idle (and possibly give me a brain tumor), I have decided to parlay them into something semi-constructive.

I look at this post as somewhat of a preface of things to come. You see, I like to set things up. I’m a planner. Like all of us I look to the future, but with that, I also cannot ignore all of the steps leading up to the future, and thus I feel this innate need to outline point A to point Infinity. In this particular instance, the future is my writing. So without further ado, let’s get the formalities out of the way and we’ll go from there.

What will I write about? I guess the better, more pertinent question is, what won’t I write about? I probably won’t write about politics. Or poverty in Africa. Or give the odds on when Twitney Spears might end up dead in a gutter with a needle serenely suspended out of a vein in her bony arm. Other than that, I suppose it is all fair game. It may be dark from time to time. It may be completely outrageous. It (and of course by “It” I mean these words of mine) may make absolutely no sense and send your head spinning in a whirlwind of confusion and frustration. What it will always be, however, is mine…all mine. Unadulterated, uninhibited musings of my alter ego that, from time to time, will take over every fiber of my body and speak in the tongues that only I understand. But I promise, if you read on, I will make every effort to suck you into this endless pit that I call a soul.

I am not going to get personal. I am not going to try and make you feel sorry about the inequities I may suffer, or the trials and tribulations of the Longstar (save for the occasional story of me flipping the bird to some poor random soul who has no business being behind the wheel). I am not going to tell you about my day at work or what kind of cereal I didn’t have for breakfast. I will hide behind the shadow of anonymity until: A. You, my Reader, figure out who I am, or B. I become incredibly famous and have no choice but to emerge from the aforementioned shadow.

With that, you may call me LongStar. Or The Dude (name the movie). This is my alter ego and I choose to keep it that way. Don’t ask me what it means, because frankly, you probably don’t deserve to know. Some of you who read this truly know me…a round of applause for putting up with me. If you are one of the Unfortunates, please keep all personal comments out of this forum…there is a time and place for that and it’s called ______.

I find that questions stimulate conversation like a cattle prod stimulates a moo-cow to get moving, so feel free to fire away. I love to get started on a rant that has not been produced by the Voices, thus if you feel as though you can hang with the wide array of responses, many of which may be sarcastic, bring it on. But beware…if you can’t take the heat, stay out of the fireplace.

Come on and rock me Amadeus.