Post-snipping humor

Posted: February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

I can laugh about it now.

I would rather undergo a vasectomy via weed whacker than attend an opera.
–Dave Barry

jbr

Creepy crawly

Posted: February 1, 2012 in Uncategorized

I have had, for as long as I can remember, bad eyes. When I was born into a family of people that wear glasses, contacts and monocles, I was destined to walk along the same path. Like the majority of people in my family, particularly on my father’s side, without some sort of visual crutch, I am blind. And, as I have gotten older, I have taken to wearing my glasses more than my contacts because, well, contacts often feel like sandpaper in my eyes and who the hell wants sandpaper in their eyes?

Because I wear my glasses the majority of the time, there are certain times of the day when I subject myself to blindness. When I first wake up. After a nap. In the shower. These are times of the day when my eyes are nothing more than brown globes in my head and offer little to no assistance. And, as a consequence, when I am sans spectacles, there are times when the lack of detail in my vision becomes a burden.

This morning I was in the shower. While washing my hair (or what’s left anyway), something on the ceiling caught my blurry vision. It was black, and since I don’t often look at the ceiling, I had no idea if it was just a spot on the ceiling, or something else. So, I watched it for a bit (I used the word “watched” very, very loosely). After a couple of seconds, I noticed that the aforementioned black spot was moving. The best I could tell it was moving slowly, but moving nonetheless.

My first, and probably accurate assumption, is that the thing on the ceiling is a spider. I mean, it’s January in Kansas, what the hell else could it be? Now, let me mention that I have no real problem with spiders. Live and let live, that’s my philosophy. What I do have a problem with, however, is a spider rappelling down on me from the ceiling when I am not looking. As such, I decided I needed to figure out what to do with the creature making its way to a spot right above my head, thus positioning itself for a free-fall onto my dome. I had no idea if it would decide to drop down on me while I’m showering, but because I look so good in the shower, I figured the chances were probably pretty high.

My brain started clicking on all cylinders thinking of a way to get the creature down. Reaching it with my bare hands isn’t an option because, well, I have shampoo in my hair, I’m wet and I’m not eight feet tall. Waiting wasn’t really an option because I wanted to enjoy my shower without fear of being accosted by a creepy crawly. Once I eliminated those two options, I decided there was only one thing left to do: spray it.

I am fortunate enough to have one of those detachable shower heads and it has this unused setting that shoots out this jet of water like fire hose. Using the power of my awesome brain, I deduced that I could give it a quick spray, it would fall to the ground and I would take care of it when I am done. That is, of course, if I could hit it with the spray given the fact that A. I’m blind and B. it’s moving.

I rinsed my hair quickly because nobody like shampoo in the eyes. After my rinse, I detached the shower head and prepped it for my assault. Once ready, I knew I would have to move quick; not only to hit it, but to limit the amount of water on the ceiling. I grabbed the handle and quickly lifted it and aimed the spray at the creature on the ceiling. WHOOSH!!! I was immediately elated to see that I hit it on the first shot.

But then it went on the move again. Through the air.

All of this is happening quickly and my first assumption is that it used it’s spidey powers and shot a web against the wall and attempted to not to hit the ground with a big thud. So, without thinking, I continued to aim for the creature as it moved from the ceiling, to the wall, to the air. Water, at this point, is everywhere. The walls. The mirror. The lights. And God knows where else that I couldn’t make out because, at this point, I am still kicking it Stevie Wonder style with my sight.

After the creature’s acrobatic moves, it disappeared. I spend a good three minutes trying to mark it with my poor vision to no avail. I can’t see it on the floor. It’s not on the vanity. And, it’s not on the wall. Perhaps it is in my pajamas crumpled up on the floor. Perhaps it went down the sink drain. Perhaps it found a hole in the space-time continuum and went off to another dimension. I have no idea. But, it is no longer of an immediate danger to me, so I continue on with my shower.

I finish up, dry off and immediately put on my glasses and do a more thorough, non-blind scan of the room. There is no sign of the creature anywhere. And of course, as I surmised, there really is water everywhere. But, it’s only a spray, so I don’t figure it’s much of a problem. I don’t want to get out the ladder to clean up the walls, and I certainly don’t want to clean my bathroom right now, so I figure I’ll just leave it. I  mean, it’s only water and it will dry, right? However, because it is water, and it will dry, and because it is all over the mirror, I figured I should at least wipe it down so as to avoid a mirror that looks like it has chicken pox.

I grab my towel (after throwing my pajamas out of the bathroom just in case the whatever-the-hell-it-was landed on them) and begin to clean off the mirror. About halfway through the wipe down (it’s a big mirror), I found what was on the ceiling now hanging out on the mirror. It was…

 I guess I overreacted a little bit. I really need to get laser surgery on my eyes.

Nervous people tend to overreact.
–Toba Beta

jbr

If a hippo pees in the woods…

Posted: January 27, 2012 in Uncategorized
Cute, huh?

I watched a show on hippopotamuses last night. I know, exhilirating. I was bored, and there was nothing else on, and even though it was from 2001 and NOT in HD (what gives, DirecTV?), I was enthralled by the preview that showed hippos fighting, so I thought, why the hell not?

First of all, let me say, hippos are really, really mean. Imagine if you encountered a gathering of really fat people and one of them got pissed off because you decided to come to their party and then that angry fat person decided to chase you then sit on you. And that fat person was freakishly fast. That’s how mean hippos are. Like, super mean. They are so mean that next time I go to the zoo, I don’t even want to look at them for fear they will get into my dreams then bite me in half and go back to the other hippos and brag about it. Okay, let me reel it back in here…

While watching it, I got to think about something not necessarily related to just hippos, but to all large animals. Before I get to my point, let me ask this? Have you ever seen a hippo, or any other large land mammal pee (and yes, I know hippos live in the water too so spare me the lesson)? It’s a lot of pee. Not only is it a lot, but it is really reminiscent of a fire hose. WHOOOOOOSHH. That’s how hippos pee, in case you were wondering. And while I’m thinking about this (and don’t ask why I was because there really is no reason), I went off on another tangent. If large animals pee like that, I wonder if large people do as well? And I’m not talking necessarily large people like, say, Shaquille O’Neal, but rather, the morbidly obese; the kind where you have to bust down a wall and get them out with a crane. When they pee, is it hippoesque?

I don’t know the answer to this question. Every show I have watched on the morbidly obese (which admittedly is very few) conveniently fails to mention their pee habits, nor does Wikipedia have any articles relating to this phenomenon. This is, without a doubt, highly disappointing. I am very inquisitive by nature and I like to know everything about everything. Because this is a gap in my repertoire of knowledge, I must say I am a bit sad on this Friday morning.

Perhaps I should write a letter to TLC, or Discovery, or National Geographic, or any other station that chooses to make show exploiting the perils of a person that must be extracted from his or her abode by dynamite, a crane and a flatbed truck (one with pictures of naked ladies on the mudflaps). Perhaps it would go a little something like…


Dear Exploiters of the Morbidly Obese,


I have a question. When a moribidly obese person urinates, is it much like a hippopatumus, elephant, and/or rhinocerous? Your show fails to explain this and I am full of curiosity on the subject matter.


Yours truly,


jbr


P.S.-If I could get a video to post to YouTube that would be great.

Notice how I used the word “urinate” instead of pee above. I figure by using the medical term, it would increase the likelihood of getting a response, and the video I requested. When sending such a request, every little bit helps.

In lieu of sending the aforementioned email, I ask you, do you know anyone morbidly obese? Are you able to satisfy my curiosity? If you do, send me an email and I’ll post it to Wikipedia.

I gotta pee.
–Forrest Gump

jbr

Letters

Posted: January 26, 2012 in Uncategorized

Often time, people react to the word “change” as if it is a four-letter word. As if there is something inherently dirty about engaging in change. Whether it is changing a job, or changing something amiss in your personal life, change is often greeted with the same kind of contempt reserved for people being asked to jump off a cliff in to a pool of dead octopuses (octopi? Whatever).

Think about it for a second. Surely you, the person reading this, have a job. And surely at the job, at some point in time, somebody from the glass tower comes down and suggests that something be done in a different way. And surely, at that same job, people around you (hell, maybe even you yourself) scoff at the notion of change and threaten to quit, or shoot the place up, or just say, “nuh huh, I ain’t doin’ dat sheet.” So, given that, you must know what I am talking about when I say people think change is a four-letter word.

I’ve thought a lot about change lately. And the inherent risk that goes into change. Weighing the pros and cons of the status quo. Weighing the pros and cons of change. Deciding if making a change is worth it. And after all the thought that goes into it, I realize, it is almost always worth it. It is almost always worth taking the leap to change something in your life in hopes of getting something better…in hopes of getting a better result.

So, I implore you, right here and right now, if you’re itching for change, make it. If you see a risk, take it. And while the grass may not always be greener on the other side, as is so often the case, I can assure you that it is always worth a look. And if you don’t find it on first glance, just keep going. Greener pastures are there…you just have to look for them.

Change is a six-letter word after all. Nothing more, nothing less.


Change alone is eternal, perpetual, immortal.
–Arthur Schopenhauer

jbr

Hello world!

Posted: January 4, 2012 in Uncategorized

Welcome to WordPress.com. After you read this, you should delete and write your own post, with a new title above. Or hit Add New on the left (of the admin dashboard) to start a fresh post.

Here are some suggestions for your first post.

  1. You can find new ideas for what to blog about by reading the Daily Post.
  2. Add PressThis to your browser. It creates a new blog post for you about any interesting  page you read on the web.
  3. Make some changes to this page, and then hit preview on the right. You can always preview any post or edit it before you share it to the world.

Freedom of Speech?

Posted: October 6, 2011 in Uncategorized
The real problem is the Redskins jersey

I’m not really a fan of Hank Williams, Jr. Let’s just get that out upfront. (For those of you that know me, I’m not a fan of any country music, but that’s really beside the point). My lack of caring for Hank Williams (I’m dropping the “Jr.” for the sake of writing) does not really influence my thoughts on the recent flap regarding his comments comparing Obama to Hitler. As an American, he has the right to say, of course, whatever the hell he wants to say. If he wants to compare my mom to Satan, I don’t really care. It’s his right to say it, so say it. I may think he is incredibly misguided (re: ignorant), but who am I to moan and groan about the fact that he said it. I might not agree with it, but I agree with his right to let it flow from his weirdly bearded mouth. (by the way, on that note, what the hell is up with his beard anyway? It looks like he went down to a pubic grooming shop, took all the scraps, and glued them to his face. Not to mention, of course, I never trust a man that won’t take off his sunglasses.)

What I do have a problem with, however, is all of the ignorant souls that have come out of the woodwork to defend him. “Why did he get fired? Haven’t you heard of free speech?” Blah. Blah. Fucking blah. I’m not going to get started on the comments all over the web about Obama being a dictator (remember the Patriot Act?), or how the “liberals” are the one responsible for Hank Williams (still dropping the “Jr.”) getting fired (I’m not sure how that has anything to do with the price of tea in China). What I will get into, though, is a quick lesson on how the First Amendment works.

From the Constitution of the United States:

“Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

Let’s ignore the part about religion (but wait, let’s not just for one second. Aren’t the same people jumping to defend Hank Williams’ rights to free speech the same people that would like to see Islam abolished from this country? Just sayin’.), and focus instead on the “freedom of speech” part. Notice the first word of the Amendment, “Congress.” That doesn’t say “ESPN,” unless my English is just horrible. It says, “Congress shall make no law…abridging the freedom of speech.” It doesn’t say, “you can say whatever you want to say and expect no repercussions.”

The common interpretation of the First Amendment as it pertains to free speech is that your speech will protect you from prosecution (i.e.-you won’t be arrested for saying something), but it does not protect you from non-incarceratory consequences. In the instance that we are referring to, the First Amendment absolutely does not protect you from professional consequences if your employer believes your comments or actions cause damage to said employer.

Think I’m wrong? Think they are just picking on Hank Williams? Think this is just part of the liberal agenda? Well, let’s try this then. When you go to work tomorrow, answer the phone like, “Hi, this is _____, I think Obama is a real ni___.” Try that a couple of times and see what happens to your employment status. Then, after you are fired, visit an attorney and tell him or her that you would like to sue your now former employer for unlawful termination of employment. Be sure to tell this attorney that you believe your now former employer violated your First Amendment rights and unjustly terminated your employment because you said something your now former employer didn’t agree with or care for. Tell the attorney this, then count how many minutes this attorney spends laughing at you before he or she shows you the door.

The impetus for this post is less about what Hank Williams said, but more about the wildly ignorant reaction (hello, Yahoo!) all over the Internet to his firing. And this leads to my underlying concern. We are an ignorant nation. We are so ignorant, that we don’t even know our Constitutional Amendments. The problem isn’t Obama, or Hank Williams. The problem is that the majority of Americans have absolutely no idea about how the world really works. The majority of Americans hide blindly behind things like Amendments that they don’t understand and expect them to solve all of our problems. Want to make this a better nation? Educate yourself. Become a bastion of knowledge.  Right wing. Left wing. Conservative. Liberal. It doesn’t matter. If you want to make a difference, become a better citizen by removing your veil of ignorance. Take off your blinders and see the entire picture, not just what’s in your backyard; not just what you were raised with.

Am I saying we should all agree on all issues? Absolutely not. But we can all become more knowledgeable about the issues and form more educated opinions about them. Educated debate breeds progress. Ignorant debate breeds more ignorance.

As for Hank Williams? ESPN has the right to protect their business. They are not in the business of taking political sides. They are in the business of giving all of us the sports and sports talk that we crave. You, Hank, crossed that line. You muddied the waters. You put their brand and their profits in jeopardy. You deserve what you got. Maybe you can move your song over to FOX now for their soccer coverage. Are you ready for some futbol?

Mind your speech a little lest you should mar your fortunes.
–William Shakespeare 

jbr 

Today’s Headlines

Posted: April 8, 2011 in Uncategorized

Here are a collection of headlines from around the Interwebs (with my commentary, of course)…

CNN:

‘Idol’ May Have Lady Problems (http://www.cnn.com/2011/SHOWBIZ/TV/04/08/pia.eliminated.american.idol/index.html?hpt=T2) 
Okay, first, Billy Idol is still alive? Second, why do we care about his lady problems.

Are cavities really contagious? (http://healthland.time.com/2011/04/07/are-cavities-really-contagious/?hpt=T2
No, but this damn case of the clap I got in Thailand is.

MSNBC:


Pink used by Libya rebels to alert NATO jets (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42496271/ns/world_news-mideastn_africa/)
She seems to be everywhere these days. I’m curious how exactly they are using her. I’m sure Bin Laden is distressed to hear about his brothers in Islam giving it to the American infidel. 


Salmonella in water frogs sickens 217, mostly kids (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42495445/ns/health-infectious_diseases/)
I guess Applebees will have to take frog legs off the kids menu now.

‘Housewives of D.C.’ canceled (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42493374/ns/today-entertainment/)
:’-( Where’s my gun?

‘Jersey Shore’ cast signs on for season 4 (http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/42497110/ns/today-entertainment/)
Why can’t Al-Qaeda have do us a favor for once?

What if you get sucked out of a plane? (http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/42496499/ns/technology_and_science-science/)
You die.

Fox News:

Carrie Underwood: My faith is the reason for my success (http://www.foxnews.com/entertainment/2011/04/08/carrie-underwood-faith-reason-success/)
Or…it’s the fact that you’re really hot. Whichever.

Hackers attack websites of Russian newspaper (http://www.foxnews.com/world/2011/04/08/hackers-attack-websites-russian-paper-blog/)
Did they run out of midget porn?

Texans may soon be able to drive 85 MPH (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/04/07/texans-need-speed/?test=latestnews)
…legally.

Maine’s Marijuana State University unveiled (http://www.foxnews.com/us/2011/04/07/marijuana-state-university-unveiled-maine/?test=latestnews)
Perhaps this is why they were named the most peaceful state.

Have a delightful weekend.

jbr